The song plays and for some reason, it makes me think of our time together.
There weren’t any fancy dinners or crazy dances. I was an unoriginal useless man. I wasn’t even a man in the mind yet. Acting like a child but with his first ever love. A love that ring throughout my memory.
My earliest memory of you was when you walked into the hall with my best friend. I saw you as a friend of a friend. Just like everybody else I ever met, I saw you only as a person. Not a woman.
My first significant memory was when I was climbing the wall. My hands were grasping both sides in the corner and my face was wet from sweat. You didn’t seem to mind at all. I know this because when you were sharing your jelly beans, you fed me them holding your palm up for me. Like you would be feeding a dog. You would later tell me that it was the only way you could grab my attention.
It's two months before you leave but we had a trip to the mountains as a group. Just 20 of us climbers. But on the second night, you took the first step. I don’t know if somebody told you to or you found out that I didn’t see you as a woman, but nevertheless, you took the initiative. That night you painted my back with angel wings and we did some table traversing. From the morning afterwards, it was just us 2.
We talked about the silliest things until the sunrise. We watched it move slowly over the mountains and it became one of the fondest memories I would look back on frequently. We talked about sheep and made up ridiculous stories about them. We never fell asleep and we waited until we were on the van, did we finally nap. You had your head on my shoulder and I rested my head on yours.
I was a fool. I still saw you only as a new friend.
The day afterwards, we went table traversing with my friends again. I called you up and you came. You sat close to me. You took my cup of tea even though, I know now, you only like it with sugar as well as milk. This went on for the next few days. Until my friend told me. Told me of how you felt about me.
I don’t regret being with you. It made me who I am now. I was lonely before I met you. But I didn’t know that beforehand.
It’s been a year since you left and I still think back how happy I am. How much I changed because of you.
My bed feels empty when I sleep. When I’m on the bus, I think back of how excited I was to be coming back to you. I think about how comfortable I was around you.
I am over the break up. But it’s when I’m lonely, is when I doubt myself. I think to myself “What a fool you are. Couldn’t even see the most obvious things in front of you.”
And then the questions claw at my weak mind. “Am I am ever going to love again? Will I be as comfortable? Am I….am I going to die alone?”. Will my future relationships be ruined because of you?
I want to cry sometimes. I want somebody to hug me. And tell me that I don’t have to be scared again.
That I don’t have to make walls again. That my emotions are real. That I do matter to somebody.
I want to love again. I want to be loved again.