The Pain of Leaving So Soon

Just a few words from the writer. Sorry I haven't been around for a while. Life has been busy and messy. This was inspired from things i watched and listened over the past months. One of them being the song "5 4 3 2 1" by Aurora. Anyhow, I do not know how it feels to be in the situation but...i just felt like writing this. 


“Thought you were smart, huh?! Well, let’s see how smart you are now!!”


“NO!!” they shouted as they saw it. The blade on the path of being driven down. Down into my heart. But it is too late for me and they don’t see it. They are too far and I could almost feel the end of my life behind the sword.


With my life about to end, everything freezes and my eyes sees everything clearer. I could be seeing so many different things. Like the flames raging into the sky, scorching the night with its bright destructive blazes. Or every single detail on the moon from its imperfect circle or the stars that surround it.


But instead of focusing on the chaos of nature, my eyes laid down on only the two things that ever mattered to me. To the two people that gave me everything I wanted. That made me someone when I was a nobody. That gave me the happiness when all I knew was isolation. That made me feel love and care. That taught me that this world still had good in it. That still had the ability to love somebody without condition.


The tip of the blade touches my skin.


You two have your arms reaching out to me, as if you could stop what was about to happen. What was happening. What is happening. But you cannot stop it.


Your long brown hair flies into the air as you race towards me. It looks like waves, up and down, almost like the way trees weave in the wind. Your brown eyes are focused on me and as sad as it is, it makes me smile inside. Knowing that in my moment of death, you see only me. You see that the world revolves solely on me.


But your amber eyes also tell me everything you are feeling. The desperation. To help me. The fear. Of losing me. The anger. Of everything happening at once. I always loved your eyes. And I will always love your eyes. The way they showed more emotion than your face. The way they shined when you were happy. The way it betrayed you when you were secretly smiling when you were pretending to be angry with us.


The blade stabs into my skin


It does not hurt. Not now anyway. But what does hurt is seeing you both so much in pain. I look at my other friend, your brother by bond as he too reaches out for me. Your usually blonde hair is soiled by the death arounds us, the blood shed around us. One of your eyes is closed from a cut but I can still see the sky-blue sea in your other eye. I see the peace it once had. But your lightning eyes shows just as much your brother.


But I see now there is even more behind those eyes. I see even more desperation, even more fear and even more pain. It is why you fought so fiercely, despite the torture-like beating you had just a few moment ago. I see it. The love you had for me.  The will do absolutely anything to see me happy. The want for me to see you as you are. The desire for me return the love that you have for me.


But…I cannot. I cannot. Because it would be unfair for your brother. I loved you just as much as my other brother.


The blade is near my heart. Tears roll down my cheeks.


My mind is flooded by the sea of memories of my life. The life that you two made with me. The life that was filled by you two.


You two saving me from the fire I was in. Me looking up at your faces. You both smelled of burnt wood and we all looked like we had a fight in a charcoal pit. That was my first time meeting you two. And you two gave me a family I never expected to have.


You two doing mischievous while ultimately helping others. Others like us. Children without parents or a place to stay. Days spent doing running away from angry shopkeepers. Nights spent under the clear night sky near a fire. You would talk about your hopes and dreams. I would just sit there…just listening to your future…


And when you two fell asleep I would watch over you two. Like a big sister would do, even though you were older than I was. It gave me peace when I could not remember my past. It made me smile when I remember what you meant to me. It makes me warm when I think of the coldness of being alone.


The blade is through my heart. And the tears are streaming uncontrollably down my face. My death is near.


I wish I could tell you everything about me. My past, my dreams, my favorite food, what I like to do. How I hope to travel around and see endless adventure with you. How I hope to spend nights of listening about your joyful days. To listen you cry over your newborn babies.


I wish I can tell you that everything will be alright. That the world is not perfect without you in it. That the world is much simpler than it feels like. That this would eventually happen. But unfortunately, my fate lies here. The road that I walk… leads me here. My destiny was not to follow you. To see you grow up to be the best men I could ever know. To see you become fathers and love your family endlessly.  To see you become the great fathers that I knew you would become. To see you embrace the love that your children will give you.


I wish to tell you how much I love you two, how much I care about you. How much joy you gave me and how thankful I am for you being there for me. How being rescued by you two was the best thing that ever happened to me… and that nothing will ever change that.


The tip of the blade leaves my body. You two are so near me now.


I am smiling even though I am still crying. I smile as I know that when I leave this world, when my final breath goes, that the last thing I see is you two next to me. Your chestnut brown hair and your amber eyes on my left while your beautiful blonde hair with your electric blue eyes on my right.


My heart has stopped beating.


 You two have your arms around me and I can see you two crying. Shouting my name. I gather what final strength I have before I leave.


You both hold my hands and while the bright and beautiful full moon is behind you, all I see is your faces.


“Find love. Happiness” I order them with my final breath.


I hope to see you again. Maybe in another life. Maybe in another age.


My final thoughts are how I will not be able to be there for them when I am gone. The pain I will leave behind. The void they will need to fill with something else. The pain of leaving so soon is that I leave the ones I love behind with that void.


I look at you two with my loving eyes and mouth the final word.



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Comments (4)

  1. dincali


    May 22, 2017
  2. Bettymom

    How sad, yet infinitely beautiful.

    May 22, 2017
  3. chakra_tingles

    Profound !

    June 25, 2017
  4. Helikaon

    I wasn’t gone really…I just needed some time to build up my confidence ….so that I could correct all the wrongs done to you….bring back the dignity into your life and love you like how you deserve.

    July 10, 2017